Aliiive! hehe

I am feeling things out. My word-mind works at a slower rate. I've slipped into a quiet mood -- outwardly quiet. It feels like fall, that sort of progression that makes sense, that is natural and moves simultaneously slowly and quickly. My mind moves fast and slow. It swells like water, sometimes crashes like waves. But no, not in a moody sort of way.

Words in my mind take a back seat. I tend to bypass them when I am like this. And I may not have the highest outward energy level, but it isn't a bad thing. I am not sad, I am not in a bad mood. I am just quieter.

I tend to take more care with my words. I tend to sit more still. I tend to stare off and look angry or sad. But! All is good. It is just another way my mind works... Sometimes I think in words, sometimes color, sometimes emotion/feeling. I think, even considering how much harder it can make regular communication, that thinking in emotion/feeling is my favorite way. It feels natural. :o)

My energy feels like a thick hazy-clear cloud, clinging to my skin. Hanging on and leaving wispy trails.

A little bit of everything

So, I wasn't going to update again tonight but I am in a good good mood. A little sentimental, a little sleepy, small bit surprised, and pleased, and calm.

Someone I know, someone I care about deeply but am not talking to at the moment, is having a hard time. I want to be there for him, but I don't think it is my place. I don't think it would really help. I just want to tell him that I believe in him, and he should believe in himself too. He has talent, he has drive, he just needs to have faith in himself. He needs to put some positivity out there and he will get some back.

Which brings me to the small bit surprised. Today went exceedingly well. I was dwelling in a cloud of negativity earlier this week and last night and today I decided to drop it, to get over myself, and to just be positive like I knew I could be. Nothing good comes from negativity and pessimism. Being pessimistic greatly lessens the possibility of things turning out well. You get what you put out there. Positive thinking and feeling really is a great thing.

Yesterday I was talking with that friend from a few posts ago. We were discussing "being ourselves" and how we feel that in these last few years (our college years) we had lost touch with some of the things that are fundamental to who we are. I feel like college really dulled my empathy and compassion some. It did not necessarily do it in a horrible way though. It made me a bit stronger when it comes to dealing with bad/toxic people. I've learned to stand up for myself more, to fight for my happiness. But I learned other peoples' methods for these things. I learned to be more aggressive (though I'm not sure if this is exactly the right word.) I learned to be more assertive -- which is excellent, but the aggressiveness, callousness? is not. I need to develop ways to continue to really embrace my empathy and compassion while still preserving myself. While still keeping myself safe and happy. I know I can, especially with this friend's help. I am looking forward to helping him too.

I don't think either of us really lost anything, we just lost touch. But I can confidently say that both of us can see in each other these qualities shining through. We are both excited to get back in touch with each other and ourselves.

Pleased, because I had a good night. Because I have a new friend whom I seem to be connecting with very quickly; it feels great. I am just me and that is okay. It is enough (it seems to be at least!) And that feels good. :o) It is fun!

Earlier tonight this new friend and I had a conversation about stress. I admitted to being a fairly high stress person (mind is always busy, worrying so much! calm down, silly girl!) and he is a pretty chill guy! So I lamented my lack of calm (though, honestly I am much better now than I used to be, woo progress!) and he worried that maybe he should be more stressed out (hope I'm getting this right!) so we decided that I would be stressed enough for the two of us and he would be calm enough for the two of us. If only it could work like that! Haha. Don't stress out more, it won't do you any good. As for me, I am working on being more relaxed, and it generally is working. A good step for me would be meditation, though sometimes I am afraid at how vulnerable it might leave me. Any tips would be greatly welcome!

Well, now I should get to bed. Sleep well everyone and have a great day tomorrow!! :o)