Aliiive! hehe

I am feeling things out. My word-mind works at a slower rate. I've slipped into a quiet mood -- outwardly quiet. It feels like fall, that sort of progression that makes sense, that is natural and moves simultaneously slowly and quickly. My mind moves fast and slow. It swells like water, sometimes crashes like waves. But no, not in a moody sort of way.

Words in my mind take a back seat. I tend to bypass them when I am like this. And I may not have the highest outward energy level, but it isn't a bad thing. I am not sad, I am not in a bad mood. I am just quieter.

I tend to take more care with my words. I tend to sit more still. I tend to stare off and look angry or sad. But! All is good. It is just another way my mind works... Sometimes I think in words, sometimes color, sometimes emotion/feeling. I think, even considering how much harder it can make regular communication, that thinking in emotion/feeling is my favorite way. It feels natural. :o)

My energy feels like a thick hazy-clear cloud, clinging to my skin. Hanging on and leaving wispy trails.

Both

both far, originally uploaded by celerytart.

Let's step through sea foam as it licks our shins.
Let's roll with the waves, and tumble
with the undercurrent.

Many moments

many moments, originally uploaded by celerytart.

This is an intuitive drawing I just did of myself. It is many moments all layered and intermingling. It was a lot of fun to see how it progressed. I noticed when I started thinking of something specific/feeling something I hadn't been the moment before it started showing up in the picture.

It started out as a generic representation of something that I just really wanted to draw, but then I focused more on myself and the energy around me, and it happily transformed.

Thanks to Sephyrus, who helped open me up to this.
Enjoy!

Big Beautiful, Purple and Green (Blue)

I am so full of energy right now. I like to close my eyes and breathe in deeply to savor the taste, the feeling. It pushes at my skin and bones. It pushes out; it swells. It is Beauty, and it is beautiful. It feels like love because it feels so right. It is expression, it is art, it is emotion, it is being right with myself.
This is what it feels like when I am me. When I stop worrying and I just let what goes on inside of me go on. It is being at peace with myself. It is everything, and everything bad, and just plain old everything. It is all good, it is all experience, it is all something. There is beauty in everything. I mean it. In. Everything. Despite what the others say, if you really look you can see it.
A friend of mine affectionately calls it beginner's eyes. It is when you look out the window of the car and watch and soak everything up and you can feel the beauty all around you. You can feel all the energy in the world, feel all the things that the people around you are feeling. You swell with the reality of it all and the possibility of it all. You can feel what it was, what it is, and what it can be. Maybe even what it will be.
Moments of this make me want to hug the world because I want everyone to feel like this. I hope everyone feels this some time. I really hope they feel it often.
Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by it I really just want to cry. It feels so right.

[Sorry this sounds so cheesy, but its all truthful and good feeling. So feel it. :o) I hope you enjoy.]

I want to know what good feelings feel like for people. I want to know if people feel this way too. I want you to sit across from me and make me feel it too because I am so curious. I want to know what pure beauty and rightness feel like for you. I want you to know what it feels like for me. I want to share and be shared with!

Quiet

Today is the Autumnal Equinox. Autumn is my best season. It is usually when my happiness hits a high note and when my breathing is easiest. It is usually a season of growth for me. For the last four years I was at school in Pennsylvania for the fall. Now I am finally back home in New England, in Connecticut, and I couldn't be happier. (haha well, if I was employed I would be, but thats a different topic all together.) I absolutely live for Fall. I feel like Fall most of the time. I sound like Fall, my emotion fluxes and flows like Fall. Nearly all of my favorite music, the music that really touches my heart, is Fall music; it sounds and feels like fall too.

I look forward to settling into my Autumn skin, to feeling out the energy.

Sea Sew, Lisa Hannigan

Lisa Hannigan is a musician that I found out about through Damien Rice. She did some beautiful vocals on his albums O and 9 and on various singles, live releases and on B-Sides. She just released her first solo album -- Sea Sew -- and it is wonderful. Her voice and lyrics are deeply beautiful and very touching. She comes across as strikingly honest and very quirky. I greatly suggest you check out her album. It really is beautiful, and perfect for fall.

Lille Demo (finished version is on the album)


My Pirate Disco (not on the album, but so fun!)

A little bit of everything

So, I wasn't going to update again tonight but I am in a good good mood. A little sentimental, a little sleepy, small bit surprised, and pleased, and calm.

Someone I know, someone I care about deeply but am not talking to at the moment, is having a hard time. I want to be there for him, but I don't think it is my place. I don't think it would really help. I just want to tell him that I believe in him, and he should believe in himself too. He has talent, he has drive, he just needs to have faith in himself. He needs to put some positivity out there and he will get some back.

Which brings me to the small bit surprised. Today went exceedingly well. I was dwelling in a cloud of negativity earlier this week and last night and today I decided to drop it, to get over myself, and to just be positive like I knew I could be. Nothing good comes from negativity and pessimism. Being pessimistic greatly lessens the possibility of things turning out well. You get what you put out there. Positive thinking and feeling really is a great thing.

Yesterday I was talking with that friend from a few posts ago. We were discussing "being ourselves" and how we feel that in these last few years (our college years) we had lost touch with some of the things that are fundamental to who we are. I feel like college really dulled my empathy and compassion some. It did not necessarily do it in a horrible way though. It made me a bit stronger when it comes to dealing with bad/toxic people. I've learned to stand up for myself more, to fight for my happiness. But I learned other peoples' methods for these things. I learned to be more aggressive (though I'm not sure if this is exactly the right word.) I learned to be more assertive -- which is excellent, but the aggressiveness, callousness? is not. I need to develop ways to continue to really embrace my empathy and compassion while still preserving myself. While still keeping myself safe and happy. I know I can, especially with this friend's help. I am looking forward to helping him too.

I don't think either of us really lost anything, we just lost touch. But I can confidently say that both of us can see in each other these qualities shining through. We are both excited to get back in touch with each other and ourselves.

Pleased, because I had a good night. Because I have a new friend whom I seem to be connecting with very quickly; it feels great. I am just me and that is okay. It is enough (it seems to be at least!) And that feels good. :o) It is fun!

Earlier tonight this new friend and I had a conversation about stress. I admitted to being a fairly high stress person (mind is always busy, worrying so much! calm down, silly girl!) and he is a pretty chill guy! So I lamented my lack of calm (though, honestly I am much better now than I used to be, woo progress!) and he worried that maybe he should be more stressed out (hope I'm getting this right!) so we decided that I would be stressed enough for the two of us and he would be calm enough for the two of us. If only it could work like that! Haha. Don't stress out more, it won't do you any good. As for me, I am working on being more relaxed, and it generally is working. A good step for me would be meditation, though sometimes I am afraid at how vulnerable it might leave me. Any tips would be greatly welcome!

Well, now I should get to bed. Sleep well everyone and have a great day tomorrow!! :o)