Tuesday, September 30, 2008

artsy sister fun time

My sister and I made art tonight. It was very fun and very interesting. She has an excellent blog entry on it over at sephyrus.blogspot.com


enjoy! :o)

"Dive through windows and rescue our friends"

Beautiful things break my heart. Beautiful music, beautiful writing, beautiful things said from one person to another.
It breaks from the overwhelming goodness of it all. From the honesty, the purity. The passion and the energy.
It is a good break.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Aliiive! hehe

I am feeling things out. My word-mind works at a slower rate. I've slipped into a quiet mood -- outwardly quiet. It feels like fall, that sort of progression that makes sense, that is natural and moves simultaneously slowly and quickly. My mind moves fast and slow. It swells like water, sometimes crashes like waves. But no, not in a moody sort of way.

Words in my mind take a back seat. I tend to bypass them when I am like this. And I may not have the highest outward energy level, but it isn't a bad thing. I am not sad, I am not in a bad mood. I am just quieter.

I tend to take more care with my words. I tend to sit more still. I tend to stare off and look angry or sad. But! All is good. It is just another way my mind works... Sometimes I think in words, sometimes color, sometimes emotion/feeling. I think, even considering how much harder it can make regular communication, that thinking in emotion/feeling is my favorite way. It feels natural. :o)

My energy feels like a thick hazy-clear cloud, clinging to my skin. Hanging on and leaving wispy trails.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


both far, originally uploaded by celerytart.

Let's step through sea foam as it licks our shins.
Let's roll with the waves, and tumble
with the undercurrent.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Many moments

many moments, originally uploaded by celerytart.

This is an intuitive drawing I just did of myself. It is many moments all layered and intermingling. It was a lot of fun to see how it progressed. I noticed when I started thinking of something specific/feeling something I hadn't been the moment before it started showing up in the picture.

It started out as a generic representation of something that I just really wanted to draw, but then I focused more on myself and the energy around me, and it happily transformed.

Thanks to Sephyrus, who helped open me up to this.

Big Beautiful, Purple and Green (Blue)

I am so full of energy right now. I like to close my eyes and breathe in deeply to savor the taste, the feeling. It pushes at my skin and bones. It pushes out; it swells. It is Beauty, and it is beautiful. It feels like love because it feels so right. It is expression, it is art, it is emotion, it is being right with myself.
This is what it feels like when I am me. When I stop worrying and I just let what goes on inside of me go on. It is being at peace with myself. It is everything, and everything bad, and just plain old everything. It is all good, it is all experience, it is all something. There is beauty in everything. I mean it. In. Everything. Despite what the others say, if you really look you can see it.
A friend of mine affectionately calls it beginner's eyes. It is when you look out the window of the car and watch and soak everything up and you can feel the beauty all around you. You can feel all the energy in the world, feel all the things that the people around you are feeling. You swell with the reality of it all and the possibility of it all. You can feel what it was, what it is, and what it can be. Maybe even what it will be.
Moments of this make me want to hug the world because I want everyone to feel like this. I hope everyone feels this some time. I really hope they feel it often.
Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by it I really just want to cry. It feels so right.

[Sorry this sounds so cheesy, but its all truthful and good feeling. So feel it. :o) I hope you enjoy.]

I want to know what good feelings feel like for people. I want to know if people feel this way too. I want you to sit across from me and make me feel it too because I am so curious. I want to know what pure beauty and rightness feel like for you. I want you to know what it feels like for me. I want to share and be shared with!

Monday, September 22, 2008


Today is the Autumnal Equinox. Autumn is my best season. It is usually when my happiness hits a high note and when my breathing is easiest. It is usually a season of growth for me. For the last four years I was at school in Pennsylvania for the fall. Now I am finally back home in New England, in Connecticut, and I couldn't be happier. (haha well, if I was employed I would be, but thats a different topic all together.) I absolutely live for Fall. I feel like Fall most of the time. I sound like Fall, my emotion fluxes and flows like Fall. Nearly all of my favorite music, the music that really touches my heart, is Fall music; it sounds and feels like fall too.

I look forward to settling into my Autumn skin, to feeling out the energy.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sea Sew, Lisa Hannigan

Lisa Hannigan is a musician that I found out about through Damien Rice. She did some beautiful vocals on his albums O and 9 and on various singles, live releases and on B-Sides. She just released her first solo album -- Sea Sew -- and it is wonderful. Her voice and lyrics are deeply beautiful and very touching. She comes across as strikingly honest and very quirky. I greatly suggest you check out her album. It really is beautiful, and perfect for fall.

Lille Demo (finished version is on the album)

My Pirate Disco (not on the album, but so fun!)

A little bit of everything

So, I wasn't going to update again tonight but I am in a good good mood. A little sentimental, a little sleepy, small bit surprised, and pleased, and calm.

Someone I know, someone I care about deeply but am not talking to at the moment, is having a hard time. I want to be there for him, but I don't think it is my place. I don't think it would really help. I just want to tell him that I believe in him, and he should believe in himself too. He has talent, he has drive, he just needs to have faith in himself. He needs to put some positivity out there and he will get some back.

Which brings me to the small bit surprised. Today went exceedingly well. I was dwelling in a cloud of negativity earlier this week and last night and today I decided to drop it, to get over myself, and to just be positive like I knew I could be. Nothing good comes from negativity and pessimism. Being pessimistic greatly lessens the possibility of things turning out well. You get what you put out there. Positive thinking and feeling really is a great thing.

Yesterday I was talking with that friend from a few posts ago. We were discussing "being ourselves" and how we feel that in these last few years (our college years) we had lost touch with some of the things that are fundamental to who we are. I feel like college really dulled my empathy and compassion some. It did not necessarily do it in a horrible way though. It made me a bit stronger when it comes to dealing with bad/toxic people. I've learned to stand up for myself more, to fight for my happiness. But I learned other peoples' methods for these things. I learned to be more aggressive (though I'm not sure if this is exactly the right word.) I learned to be more assertive -- which is excellent, but the aggressiveness, callousness? is not. I need to develop ways to continue to really embrace my empathy and compassion while still preserving myself. While still keeping myself safe and happy. I know I can, especially with this friend's help. I am looking forward to helping him too.

I don't think either of us really lost anything, we just lost touch. But I can confidently say that both of us can see in each other these qualities shining through. We are both excited to get back in touch with each other and ourselves.

Pleased, because I had a good night. Because I have a new friend whom I seem to be connecting with very quickly; it feels great. I am just me and that is okay. It is enough (it seems to be at least!) And that feels good. :o) It is fun!

Earlier tonight this new friend and I had a conversation about stress. I admitted to being a fairly high stress person (mind is always busy, worrying so much! calm down, silly girl!) and he is a pretty chill guy! So I lamented my lack of calm (though, honestly I am much better now than I used to be, woo progress!) and he worried that maybe he should be more stressed out (hope I'm getting this right!) so we decided that I would be stressed enough for the two of us and he would be calm enough for the two of us. If only it could work like that! Haha. Don't stress out more, it won't do you any good. As for me, I am working on being more relaxed, and it generally is working. A good step for me would be meditation, though sometimes I am afraid at how vulnerable it might leave me. Any tips would be greatly welcome!

Well, now I should get to bed. Sleep well everyone and have a great day tomorrow!! :o)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Still Life, Apples

Three apples 3, originally uploaded by celerytart.

So, yesterday I did a sketch in "red violet" crayon of these three apples i set up in a bowl. Then today, I painted them :oD It went well; I am pretty satisfied with the outcome. It is definitely stylized, and looks unfinished but I like it that way. Sometimes I wonder if I should push myself to fill all the space, but I worry that I will ruin what I have because I like what I have so much. Hmm..

At first I was a little hesitant to start painting again. I haven't done much of it in a few years. I've dabbled here and there, but my technique had gotten very rusty. So I decided to start with a small still life to see if I could refocus my eye. And it seems to have worked! I remembered what I had learned in the past and this is what resulted. I still need to work more, the more I practice the better I will get. Maybe then I won't be so afraid to take a chance with my pictures.

The quality of this photo isn't so great. The colors don't show up so well, they all look a little yellowed, but I might be able to scan it at my sister's place in a few days!

It feels good to be creating again and writing again. Painting and drawing, when I really focus, have been a little bit like riding a bike. You never forget, though it may be a bit rocky at first. :o)

I hope you enjoyed! Have a great day!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Only ten minutes away

So, tonight I was talking to one of my best friends. He probably understands me better than anyone else I know. Whenever we are actually within a reasonable proximity of each other, close enough to hang out a lot, we don't. Every time we say "okay! this time will be different, we will actually hang out on a regular basis!" and we never succeed. I think when we are far apart we feel anxious because if we need each other we can't be with each other. But when close by, the anxiety lessens and we get lax with hanging out.

So while we were talking about moving dates and what not I told him that I would miss him. Then a strong rush of sadness came over me -- I realized how much I already miss him. Its odd to me, that even when he is this close I can miss him so much. That usually doesn't happen so much. But I think it has a lot to do with how uncertain things are these days. How unsure I am of a lot of things. (Oh future, how you seem to loom!) I am confident that things will work out, that I will find my footing surer. But, as us humans are wont to do, I have some wobbly moments. And those really emphasize how much I miss my friend. He is often my rock as I am his. And he has already helped me through some stuff this summer, and now he is going back to school. He tends to make life easier, but we both do just fine on our own, haha. And I'll find my footing, no doubt. But I do miss him, and I will miss him more. But I will see him again soon. (Another "no doubt.") :o)

In The Musicals, Bjork

In The Musicals, Bjork, originally uploaded by celerytart.

I drew this picture while listening to Bjork's In The Musicals from Selmasongs. I just let images, shapes, and lines come to me and I put them on the paper how I saw them :o). This was a lot of fun. It is black crayon on watercolor paper. Enjoy!


My sister's brilliant blog: www.sephyrus.blogspot.com


Last night the moon looked like an eye.
The pupil was bright white though.
The iris was slate blue and it faded out into brown among the clouds.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Same-old-daydream fizzles out.

I don't need it!

Caramel Kisses part 1

Tonight I feel weird. My dreams are vivid. Some dreams I can't forget; most pass by, even with a second thought. Even after I describe them in length to friends. I could go looking for those descriptions but I don't know if I want to.

There are certain people from my past that I miss more than I probably should. Certain people I feel inexorably tied to. I don't know if they feel the same way. I don't know if it really matters, but it feels like it matters. Whenever I wish I had a do-over, I remind myself that I like being me.

I blink and
breathe one

I blink to
clear my

I breathe to
rest my

And mind because
it sings

Unfettered by my
wants and

To rest my
mind I